Friday, 11 November 2016

Midnight rambles

I can't seem to shake off the memories. It doesn't haunt me, but more like a yearning. Seeking comfort and in a sense hoping for something I know I should let go. I let go, I have.. But moments like these, brings back these buried thoughts and emotions.

Monday, 10 October 2016

It's a start!

After one week of bumming around, I realised a new struggle to make the best out of the day. Chilling or lazing around in itself made me realised how the day easily goes by. Honestly, there were moments that I did not enjoy it. It was too easy to fall into a black hole of unproductive habit, it was uncomfortable to take the first step into selecting a task to do and yet by not accomplishing anything I would end up feeling like crap. Late nights will easily creep in, late mornings is becoming a habit. Just like now, its 1 am and I am nowhere close to falling asleep. I am trying to make the best out of now by blogging.

The struggle is real, taking a break is definitely a learning process to go through. I have been reminding myself what was the REASON for this break. Why did I choose this route instead of staying back with a ready stability of a job. I think this is where I am learning to cultivate the focus. Realistically I may not be able to achieve a 100% of what I fantasized, but if I could achieve half of it and kick start at least another 20% I think I would be elevated to a different level of self achievement. Simply enough, it is about working on what you can do right now instead of dwelling what you did not do or could have done.

I had my grey moments during the past week, my need of constant human connection showed me how uncomfortable I am dealing with my own quiet moments. I had moments where I felt anxious and I started worrying about what am I doing, questioning myself. But it dawned to me that this is something I have never encountered and that it is OKAY to feel this way on my first week in my very own journey of Eat, Pray, Love ( I really hope so!). It was about reeling myself back and be rather sensible about the whole thing. Basically learning to not worry so much. 

The happy bubble I had the first few weeks when I first got back only lasted that long, after that real life just happened. Situations and emotions that I did not like to face made its presence. I am still figuring out how to deal and overcome it. Could I just split myself to like 8 so I could deal with each challenges individually, work on self improvement and also maintain a healthy social life while earning a living. Can one really have it all? 

With all this being said, I know that I am tremendously lucky and blessed to be able to even have the capacity to do any of this. To have the chance to take time off, to spend time with my parents, to have the opportunity to work on anything that I want. It's important to remind myself that there is everything to feel grateful for.

I'm confident that I could make the coming week much more enriching than the last. I think a good tip would be to roughly plan my day ahead and never ever switch on the tv the first thing in the morning! :P


Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Teh ais did it again, past mid-night and I am just stuck trying to de-tangle my thoughts. It's been almost a month now, since I came back from Jakarta for good. A lot has happened, including my resignation and I am officially unemployed. I admit I have wondered what it would be like to take time off but never in my life would I have imagined really taking this step to do it. First time plunging myself in a situation where I am not prepared to face what I am about to face. I guess that at some point in our lives we sometimes have to make the decision to place ourselves in the very thing that makes us uncomfortable in hopes to attain what we truly want. 

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Too Late

I feel it is too late. Can it be fixed? Of course it can be fixed... when the day comes for an overhaul. -.-

As much will and strength it takes me to have face it, it took that much will and strength to not let myself feel how unjust and unfair that I was led to this. Just by luck, just by fate, just by the alignment of the Stars, the Moon and the Earth that I end up in a situation like this. Of course I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm mad. A lot of times I try to tell myself that there is a bigger cause to the discomfort and the obstacles in my life right now. I can't see it, I don't know what it is going to be but this is preparing me for something in the future. 

There are times I get so down that I do not want to wake up. I would mentally beat myself down, I do not feel what I'm worth. I feel so rotten and unhappy that it makes me feel so bad to be alive because when I am unhappy, its a potential for me to cause unhappiness to the people I care around me. I can feel the transition of energy, how slowly the bitterness creeps through my mind. It gets so scary, I would rather withdraw myself. 

Through this phase, I'm now working on having hope back into my life. Reducing the mental bashing and thrashing. I actually feel there is some improvement. Trying to have some goals after this, does not matter if the goals are non career related, as long as I have something to pursue. I want to gain back a perspective and just be able to look at life at a different light. However, in order for me to move on, I have to accept how all this somehow or rather fucked me up inside. That is not something I so willingly accept. 

To accept that this has failed. To accept I have failed. It feels so much better to blame, the instant satisfaction you feel when you lash at the unchangeable factors in your situation that led to such circumstances at work/worklife. Blaming cannot get me out of it, blaming will not lead me to move on and do something about it. Instead, blaming will only lead me to continue living in the past and in in bitterness. I see others re-telling old stories and living in the past thinking that things are better now. I laugh together with them but inside, I think it is just very sad. I don't want to live in the past. 

Life also has a way to just tipping you off the bar just when you feel like you could almost get away with it. When you think you have planned it out and got most of the grounds covered. It just likes to see how you fare when a couple of pieces shifted. 

This thought came to me today, it actually started pretty relaxed. One of those days that time just passes and you tell yourself 'Oh, another day has passed'. It did not end that way, in the end I felt bummed out, upset and amused by it. I realised that I am completely still affected, I have not been able to accept it because it still made me so emotional. I could still bawled my eyes out and I could still feel the pain. After I have calmed down and just put some thought into it, I realised that my plan could still go on and that gave me some comfort but it could not take away the injustice that I still feel. 

Sooner or later I will come to a turning point. As for now, I am really glad that I could see a way out of this.

Just gotta hang in there for a bit longer. 

Sunday, 31 July 2016

If it scares you, then do it!

More often than not, when something you want to do can scare the shit out of you, it is a cue that it must be done and carried out. 

A passage from Viktor E. Frankl's book, A Man's Search for Meaning. It says:

"But let me make it perfectly clear that in no way is suffering necessary to find meaning.  I only insist that meaning is possible even in spite of suffering-provided, certainly, that the suffering is unavoidable. If it were avoidable, however, the meaningful thing to do would be to remove its cause, be it psychological, biological or political.  To suffer unnecessarily is masochistic rather than heroic."

This passage, followed events at work that triggered me and I took it as a sign.

To the best of my knowledge I have fight for what I could fight for. Every being has their own set of principles and limitations. All I can say is that it is high time I moved on. All the little issues that bogged me down did not really matter anymore. All that matters is that as of now, I know that suffering is not necessary to find meaning. I am so pleased to have been enlightened by these words. Up until now, I have lived a fairly happy journey, I had a couple of stumbles, some even broke me but I managed to build myself back up. I thought that it was deserving that I should suffer. Because going through suffering, coming out of it alive (though not unscathed) means that I have proven myself for a place in this world. That the world would look at you with a set of different eyes because of the 'hardships' that you have been through. 

Boy, was I being masochistic to myself. Tsk tsk tsk...

But, I thank the causes, the trigger points and the memory of reading this passage and many more supporting factors to be my guiding stars to this point of my own realisation. It leads back to my ever secret but not so secret search and discovery of empowerment. Being empowered to me, is knowing and acknowledging that you have the ability to make your own decisions for the right reasons you call your own. For the principles you believe it, for the progression and direction you want to attain in your own life. It is not hard to fall into the confusion between what you want and what everyone thinks its right. A lot of time it is a dilemma, but through the wiry mess of those thoughts, the struggle to come to a decision, through tears and solitary suffering. Don't give up, it will come to a point of acceptance and determination. You can see the light of things. 

I'm not the best model or person to face my own adversities head on, my natural defense is to block and avoid. I do not like conflict and confrontations. However, if need be, I am unafraid to demand for answers. That usually lead me to a mess of things because of the intensity of my desires blinds the 'right timing' of such things. 

With baby steps and determination, I would save myself. 

I dread the days ahead, but knowing that my liberation from toxicity is through these days ahead gives me hope and strength. With this strength, I am willing.

I have yet to figure out a whole lot more on the 'how' but it is okay. Baby steps.. This too shall pass, and everything will work its way out. 

with love,

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Two weeks before one of my best friends wedding and a month before a massive group trip with my batch-mates to one of the volcanic mountains in Indonesia. So it's back to the gym for me, after a long hiatus, food indulging and weight gain. So far, I can confirm that I have a long road ahead of me to regain some sort of stamina and fitness. Muscles are crying but I am loving the feeling :)

Burn baby (fat) burn.... 

Friday, 22 July 2016

Book no. 9 for 2016

CURRENTLY READING: Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.

I have had various moments up until now where the book I've bought and read was exactly what I need at that phase in life due to the situation or struggles I'm facing. There was even once where I bought a book, it was The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. I bought it when I was around 17 or 18 years old, I remembered I was reading it at that age and it made no sense to me, I was reading words but the words did not made any sense to me. Now thinking back, I don't think I finished reading it, however a couple of years later I decidedly picked up that book and started re-reading it. To my surprise, everything I was reading made a whole of sense, I could relate to the emotions conveyed and it resonated with me. I remembered going through a bit of a rough time and it was just comforting.  At that point, it just made clear to me that when the time comes things will just fall into place and that if its not meant for you now, does not mean that it won't be suitable for you later on and vice versa.

I believe this is applicable for a lot of aspects in life. Just because something is not working out for you now, does not mean when the opportunity presents itself to you, the results will be the same as before. We should allow ourselves to able to take that step again. Although I'm not a good practitioner of that belief, it is a good reminder for each of us to always take chances! 

I remember coming across his name (Viktor Frankl) somewhere in an article or a book I was reading and it just stayed stuck in my head. Until recently when his name reappeared and with what I'm struggling with right now, how apt it was that I searched for his book because of what he been through and what he developed or discovered. Hence, I started reading his book and to my surprise it is a very good read. I would definitely recommend this book :) knowing what actually happen in concentration camps, it is a good way to learn about history that I was never taught in school. 

Mainly, I wanted to read this book because if there are people who have gotten through situations in life where everything was robbed from them and they can still have that will and purpose in their life. Knowing and acknowledging their existence in life, then why not me? Me who is struggling yet have so much to be grateful for, nothing has been taken away from me, not like what some of these inspiring people had been through.