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Sunday, 21 August 2016

Too Late

I feel it is too late. Can it be fixed? Of course it can be fixed... when the day comes for an overhaul. -.-

As much will and strength it takes me to have face it, it took that much will and strength to not let myself feel how unjust and unfair that I was led to this. Just by luck, just by fate, just by the alignment of the Stars, the Moon and the Earth that I end up in a situation like this. Of course I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm mad. A lot of times I try to tell myself that there is a bigger cause to the discomfort and the obstacles in my life right now. I can't see it, I don't know what it is going to be but this is preparing me for something in the future. 

There are times I get so down that I do not want to wake up. I would mentally beat myself down, I do not feel what I'm worth. I feel so rotten and unhappy that it makes me feel so bad to be alive because when I am unhappy, its a potential for me to cause unhappiness to the people I care around me. I can feel the transition of energy, how slowly the bitterness creeps through my mind. It gets so scary, I would rather withdraw myself. 

Through this phase, I'm now working on having hope back into my life. Reducing the mental bashing and thrashing. I actually feel there is some improvement. Trying to have some goals after this, does not matter if the goals are non career related, as long as I have something to pursue. I want to gain back a perspective and just be able to look at life at a different light. However, in order for me to move on, I have to accept how all this somehow or rather fucked me up inside. That is not something I so willingly accept. 

To accept that this has failed. To accept I have failed. It feels so much better to blame, the instant satisfaction you feel when you lash at the unchangeable factors in your situation that led to such circumstances at work/worklife. Blaming cannot get me out of it, blaming will not lead me to move on and do something about it. Instead, blaming will only lead me to continue living in the past and in in bitterness. I see others re-telling old stories and living in the past thinking that things are better now. I laugh together with them but inside, I think it is just very sad. I don't want to live in the past. 

Life also has a way to just tipping you off the bar just when you feel like you could almost get away with it. When you think you have planned it out and got most of the grounds covered. It just likes to see how you fare when a couple of pieces shifted. 

This thought came to me today, it actually started pretty relaxed. One of those days that time just passes and you tell yourself 'Oh, another day has passed'. It did not end that way, in the end I felt bummed out, upset and amused by it. I realised that I am completely still affected, I have not been able to accept it because it still made me so emotional. I could still bawled my eyes out and I could still feel the pain. After I have calmed down and just put some thought into it, I realised that my plan could still go on and that gave me some comfort but it could not take away the injustice that I still feel. 

Sooner or later I will come to a turning point. As for now, I am really glad that I could see a way out of this.

Just gotta hang in there for a bit longer. 

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