More often than not, when something you want to do can scare the shit out of you, it is a cue that it must be done and carried out.
A passage from Viktor E. Frankl's book, A Man's Search for Meaning. It says:
"But let me make it perfectly clear that in no way is suffering necessary to find meaning. I only insist that meaning is possible even in spite of suffering-provided, certainly, that the suffering is unavoidable. If it were avoidable, however, the meaningful thing to do would be to remove its cause, be it psychological, biological or political. To suffer unnecessarily is masochistic rather than heroic."
This passage, followed events at work that triggered me and I took it as a sign.
To the best of my knowledge I have fight for what I could fight for. Every being has their own set of principles and limitations. All I can say is that it is high time I moved on. All the little issues that bogged me down did not really matter anymore. All that matters is that as of now, I know that suffering is not necessary to find meaning. I am so pleased to have been enlightened by these words. Up until now, I have lived a fairly happy journey, I had a couple of stumbles, some even broke me but I managed to build myself back up. I thought that it was deserving that I should suffer. Because going through suffering, coming out of it alive (though not unscathed) means that I have proven myself for a place in this world. That the world would look at you with a set of different eyes because of the 'hardships' that you have been through.
Boy, was I being masochistic to myself. Tsk tsk tsk...
But, I thank the causes, the trigger points and the memory of reading this passage and many more supporting factors to be my guiding stars to this point of my own realisation. It leads back to my ever secret but not so secret search and discovery of empowerment. Being empowered to me, is knowing and acknowledging that you have the ability to make your own decisions for the right reasons you call your own. For the principles you believe it, for the progression and direction you want to attain in your own life. It is not hard to fall into the confusion between what you want and what everyone thinks its right. A lot of time it is a dilemma, but through the wiry mess of those thoughts, the struggle to come to a decision, through tears and solitary suffering. Don't give up, it will come to a point of acceptance and determination. You can see the light of things.
I'm not the best model or person to face my own adversities head on, my natural defense is to block and avoid. I do not like conflict and confrontations. However, if need be, I am unafraid to demand for answers. That usually lead me to a mess of things because of the intensity of my desires blinds the 'right timing' of such things.
With baby steps and determination, I would save myself.
I dread the days ahead, but knowing that my liberation from toxicity is through these days ahead gives me hope and strength. With this strength, I am willing.
I have yet to figure out a whole lot more on the 'how' but it is okay. Baby steps.. This too shall pass, and everything will work its way out.