1 year 4 months in....
//Another hour before work ends//
My last post was full of anger, I could not describe how bad everything felt. I had moments where I'd imagined myself packing everything and just leaving. With intention of making people feel guilty for what the situation had caused. I felt like a victim of the situation. It really saddens me and at a point I victimized myself to the situation. I could feel myself turning bitter, through my thoughts, the emotions I was carrying and the resentments I have in me.
Through moments like this, being critical of myself and always reflecting. I felt that this was not who I am, I could feel how unhealthy and unhappy I was becoming (or rather already being unhappy). Every negative emotion and thought was eating into me. I am a believer of the Law of Attraction. What you ask, you receive. Knowing that I was cultivating all this negativity around me worries me, I kept blaming the environment, the situation and that all this was not my doing. I was worried that all this negativity is breeding more negativity and it is going to send me into a downward spiral.
I wanted to escape, drop everything and just leave. Start over and find something better. However, to every action that I wanted to execute lead to so many unanswered questions. I wanted to escape, but where do I escape to? I wanted to drop everything and just leave but many steps and questions need to be answered before I could 'drop everything and leave'. I wanted to start over and find something better, truthfully, anywhere you go there will be things, situations and people that will cause friction in your life. So it hit me, that I am unable to act recklessly, it was against my principles and beliefs. I felt really stuck, I was in dilemma, I desperately wanted someone to just hold my hand and walk me through this. At the same time, I know that whatever I am facing and enduring, it is a sign that I need to independently maneuver myself through and out of this. Deep down, I want to be able to make it through this on my own terms. I know it will benefit me a great deal, a sense of ownership to my life and the power of empowerment. To me that is independence.
I felt stuck, I felt demotivated, I was under a grey cloud. I don't want to worry my parents, I constantly feel the need to 'express it out' in other words whine and complain. I felt so alone and that I wish there is someone that could feel the pain and struggle I was going through. Just that bit of warmth that you need to comfort your soul when everything else seems so cold.
I had to do something. I had to take some sort of action for me. I have to take steps to walk out of this, take back my power to my own life and not be victimized by myself.
Thankfully, I had a planned trip to Tioman, I signed up to get my PADI Open Water Diving License. The trip was definitely well needed and the fact that I could not get any internet connection to connect with anyone out of that island was a blessing! Finally able to enjoy everything that nature has to offer and just focusing on things that really mattered. Like focusing on learning to dive (duh)! My life felt like it had meaning again, it reminded me once again that life can be amazing, can be loved and can be enjoyed. There are so much more to explore and discover within the world, in life and within ourselves. That is how it should be! Old feelings of loving life came back, it felt like I reunited with a good old friend.
I took it as a reminder and blessing, I decided that I want to give myself something better. I want to be unafraid to explore, experience and be part of so many things that makes me happy. So I decided, and that decision brought me through another phase of emotional and mental bashing/training or however you want to call it. It is literally exhausting, I swear at certain points I felt like I could not take another moment of it anymore.
Which brings me to this week (like finally! after all that rambling?)
This is my situation right now, at work I spent less than 10% of my time doing work. Why? Is it because I'm a lazy bum? Is it because I am slacking? Well, truth is.... no. Literally, I have no work to do. I'm not even going to explain all this shit again because that would just lead to another round of explanation and that is not my point right now. So, I have been going through this situation, for the longest time. I have done whatever I could within my means to fight for what I want. It is not easy, to not feel bummed out about how little you are progressing or contributing. It is very belittling, very de-motivating and not only it does not build confidence but it actually takes confidence away from a person. Everyday, I have to find a way to get through the day in the office. Like reading a ton of articles. Sometimes it's successful, sometimes I fail terribly at it and I end up feeling like a total looser. It is difficult because again it is against my beliefs, it makes me feel guilty and I feel very judged. To what extend any of this is true, I don't know.
The past week, I've been working on trying to make a positive out of this outcome. There is so many factors that are working against me that I could not change. The only thing I could control is me, my thoughts, my actions. Now, I try to put the guilt a way, I still do feel bad, but heck... if there is work, I get it done, but if there isn't I should do something for myself and not feel like a wasted life. So far this week has been pretty successful (yay!) The weeks and months ahead will be a rough and strenuous road ahead. I cannot say that I am mentally and emotionally prepared, but I feel much more composed that I was a year ago. :')
There is fear because of the uncertainty. My friend reminded me that I know what I do not want, it is just that I am not consoled by the uncertainty I am to face which is making me feel this way. And that when the time comes, I would know what I have to do. Secretly, I wish that it would come faster, I know I am not ready to face it but at the same time I really really want to face it. It is such a tease! Because I wish for it to come sooner, I can only prepare myself however I can and hopefully I could make the best decision when the situation beckons it.
Wow that literally took about an hour to write!