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Monday, 5 October 2015

Putting it out there

It has been a rough weekend, both mentally and emotionally exhausting. I'm seating here with contemplation, with an immense urge to pour my heart out. The moment I am back, and alone with myself and my thoughts... it all comes back to me.  

I like someone, as in a liking more than friends kind of like...It has been awhile since I felt this way about someone.. but last Friday, I had to make a decision for myself. I did not think it would make me feel like how it did, I certainly did not expect or planned to do it until that day when I was talking to my friend. Suddenly, it steered towards me, forcing myself to realise and to stop myself from giving anymore excuses. The moment when his words explaining to me what I was doing to myself, it hit me, I literally feel my insides came crashing in on me. It was so unpleasant, I had to force myself to focus on what I was doing instead.  

I have been giving myself a ton of excuses for not clarifying, for not seeking understanding and truth. More so because I myself am not willing to face the truth. I was confused, I was left wondering, making up my own assumptions and even hoping something will change. It's been months and  I was hanging on loose ends. I've stopped myself once, months ago... but I was soft-hearted and I allowed myself to come back because I needed to fill that void. I was not sure, I was able to feel that way once again. I was afraid to loose it. 

So Friday came, somehow the topic steered towards myself having to decide to just let go and move on. I'm grateful that I have friends that cared enough to just enforce me to take that step..made me realised that if someone really likes you enough, I won't have to be in doubt. He would show me and even tell me to make sure that I know. He would make time to be with me, or make time to get to know and understand me as well as make me understand him. I guess, in all honest truth, deep deep down I knew something was not right but I shut it off whenever possible, persuading myself that it isn't what I knew. 

With all that is happening now in my life, I have to survive in a situation that I was never trained for.  I have to put all my focus and attention in surviving and hopefully thrive a little in this situation. In a way, it came at the right time for me to do this. So it's done, I man'ed up, putting my foot down for myself. Clarifying something that by right, it should not be me taking this step. I actually had to be the man in this scenario. Some of the explanation was surprisingly unacceptable to me, it felt like it just excuses.  I think at one point I was being quite sarcastic, I wanted to lash back... but I really don't have the heart to be really harsh about it. I never liked being awkward with people after certain things happened it either to avoid, or to make light about it. 

I now have to be strong and make sure I move on. For a person like me, I find it difficult, and now I'm dealing with the after effects of putting my foot down for my own sake. To emotionally and mentally move on, and not hold on anymore. I feel sad, I really do because at one point of time before things change. I really felt there was something, and because of all the unexpected surprises (not in materialistic terms) it was even more special to me. But I have no regrets whatsoever.

I'm writing all this down, because I want to express this out, it is part of me letting go and not being afraid to express how I feel. One day, I will look back on this, and I would want to know that I have learnt to know my self value. To love and accept myself and know my worth, to know that I won't accept any lesser than what I am worth. 

:) let's just see where this goes.

with love 
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