it takes time
Being abroad is not an easy feat. Just a week ago, the emotional struggle came back to me. It is only my second month here, it seemed like I was regurgitating every ounce of positive thought I could muster and forcing it onto myself. I was trying to trick my mind into believing it all. But what I experience was backlash. Instead I was sending negative vibes to the people around me. I could not get a good nights sleep and I started having breakouts. I was feeling very insecure. The very thought of how I could last could bring me down to tears. I was on the verge of breaking down.
That was the struggle.
If I lay out all the facts of my troubles, it actually is not such a big deal. The difference is, I let the emotions be a part of it. I am by default much more emotional and sensitive. I seldom call home, and I do not express myself very well. It all came crashing down, the second time.
About 2 or 3 nights ago, I called home to talk to my parents. It was then I started breaking down, through the conversation it came as a realisation that I was holding on to so much of what I had instead of accepting what I have. I was holding on to the ease and comfort of being back at home. The familiar and wanted presence of people I know and love.
I told myself to give it a few more months to monitor my condition. I was so frustrated that I allowed myself to feel weak like this. I do not feel any empowerment, I felt weak and hopeless. I was disappointed in myself. It took a good 2 hours of talking it out, in which after that, I finally had a good nights sleep. The next day, I was still feeling shaky but much better. I felt like a burden was lifted off me, and what happened that day was a few people decided to message me and I felt so touched that I so nearly cried. The whole day tears were welling up.
It started from there, I realised I have to accept the situation I am in. It's the truth, it may feel harsh, but sometimes life is just as it is. The best is to try to keep moving forward. So I am working on that, taking a day at a time, and moving forward towards each day. It has been better but then again, it has only been 3 days. =P