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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Final phase for the time being

Stress 
stress 
stress 

:(

I need stress management

Well, the worst thing that could happen is that I get a poor guided mark before I get my final mark if I do not finish by next week.  I won't actually fail, but if I try to understand the reason why I'm feeling this way, is probably because of the fear of being judged, fear of embarrassment, fear of failing and I am giving myself a hard time by having too high an expectation to myself.

It's really tiring.

I had a hard time deciding between whether to sleep or to force myself to do my work. But when I get stuck, it's really no point staring at the screen and feeling horrible about it. So, a couple of times I decided to sleep. Sometimes I feel guilty because it felt like I made a wrong decision. But lets just say, I decided to love myself more than my work. In a way that is letting go isn't it?

This week is gonna be a tough week.

But lets pretend that it is going to be less tough than I thought. Pretend that it isn't as stressful and that I'm pretty numb about what is going to happen. Lets pretend I enjoy this process because it is adrenaline pumping, the suspense of whether I get it done or not is enticing. Sounds pretty weird, but lets just pretend that I am able to get as much done without beating myself up about it. Lets pretend to not take this so seriously. 

Because it is not the end of the world, and I will be okay. If I fall, I will stand up again. If I'm hurt, I will heal.  If this doesn't work out, something else will and I will learn from it. I need to remove negative judgement from myself, and block and ignore what others might or might not think.

I'm writing this to calm and reason with myself. Because all these stress is unnecessary and also because for the past two days, I chose to sleep. 

Letting go does not mean I give up, it just means I'm giving myself my own pace. 

Best wishes and pretend everything will end up good if not okay.


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