I think I have forgotten some important values to have in myself.
All this time, I have been giving myself some sort of self pity. Feel like I've been beaten. Thinking what are the chances that I would have in most things. So, if I allow myself to go on like this, then whatever I have experience until today has gone to waste and surviving all that meant nothing at all. The lessons that I learnt is indeed wasted. I don't want to let that happen.
I seem to have forgotten the importance of having something to hope for. I am not talking about dreams or fantasies, but to have hope in something. I have always been the type that expects a lot, from the ones around me and especially from myself. The disappointment that I could feel in myself when I did not reach my own expectation is tremendous.
To be honest, I may expect a lot but to make things harsher, I don't let go so easily. Worrying comes together in that package. I don't know since when I am like that, maybe since I was born. I probably have to ask my parents for that information. =) Sadly, I worry so much that I feel more often than not I fail to give my own best effort. It might be true, or it might be the fact that is the best that I could give and that I should really just accept that fact.
I suddenly realised that lately I seem to forgot how to hope. To have hope. Not in a way that I have given up on life or somewhere along those lines, but to hope on simple pleasures of life. To have hope that things will get better. To have hope that I always have a chance. To have hope that there is more than one solution, that there will always be improvements. To hope that there is always a chance to learn.
I have been told that I worry a lot ( which is true ). I expect so much out of myself and put dreams so high in the sky that the moment I think that I might fail in achieving it, I would come crashing down.
To be honest I have been sulking for the past couple of days, sulking in the current situation or current emotion that I forget. So used to doing that, it's a habit and it tends to happen without even me realising.
I forgot how lucky and blessed I am. I forgot how crazy it is that I am here studying, how blessed to have people that care for me and people for me to care for and a very supportive family. The chance for me to see a world outside of my own home, get to know a little more people other than the ones from my circle of people that I have been with for my entire life. Though I would wish I have known more but I guess that is another thing to hope for.
I just feel so sorry to have forgotten that.
I am sorry that I have felt such a negative emotion when I have the opportunity to choose to feel a positive emotion instead.
With that, I wish that I will have less of that negative reaction or emotion and more of a positive outlook. It may take time, slowly but surely I am able to do that.
I miss my family a lot, and I think I don't say that enough. How much I missed the presence of my parents and my brothers. I am very much looking forward for my graduation regardless of how things turn out, finally I can see my parents after so long.
I am going to promise two things. No matter what, just try my best even if I know I am bound to go through some major distractions and procrastination. Secondly, I promise to give it a try. No matter who, what or how, I must try.