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Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Withholding

It's been getting harder for me to express myself through talking... Feeling like there is a lot of considerations to consider. Withholding or suppressing emotions and thoughts like this is difficult. So now I'm braving up to express it on the blog.

I actually learnt a thing or two from watching How I Met Your Mother. The episode on Baggage. Now, I'm alone and trying to not watch so much TV, trying to read more and trying to push myself to move forward...I realised I've been keeping this weight on me. I can't describe it exactly what it is...but it's there. I guess it's the feeling like you can't surge forward, you feel reluctant to as though some sort of weight is there. Perhaps it's the way I feel like I'm going to burst to tears at any given moment when I feel something related to whatever baggage I'm having. 

Perhaps what as happened in the past made me hold on so tight to the baggage...in a way that it prevents me from having a slightest possibility of anything of the sort to happen again. I'm not letting myself to just let go and be me. I wonder if anyone has ever felt this intense before. Nasty stuff I tell ya.

I've read that by talking it out..it's a way of letting it go. Because as you talk it out, it's like you're emptying a bowl and once it's empty you can fill it up with other things, thoughts, experience and emotions..etc. I avoid having to feel like I've done something I've shouldn't have by not talking, not sharing the emotion.

I drown out whatever serious thought or reflecting on the past by watching TV...Being totally zombified. Reluctant to go for anything. It feels like a road to self destruction. I'm torn into two...part of me wants to start anew and part of me is not willing to face it.

I guess I have to keep the tv off for awhile.

just have to find a way to get across this massive wall.

gd night =)
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