dear blog. help.

Dear blog,

I wish you were a real person, a person who would patiently listen to my whims and whines. A person who was there whenever and wherever I need. Gosh, sounds really inconsiderate of me. To want a person who will be there anytime I need. =/ and if this blog was a real person I would probably get scolded first..like volcanic eruption. a burst of words shooting right at me saying," for all these years I've listen to all your emotion, news etc..finally I get to say something to you" 

=/ thinking gone wild.

I've been feeling like this at times. I fear this feeling, something I would avoid. I always would like to feel the rush, the adrenaline(figuratively) or the excitement. Like always on the go, always doing the extra thing just to feel that I'm contributing a little more. To calm me down, or to feed my egoistic needs. I don't want to face the fact that this is reality and that this is what it is. I just don't, even now. 

As much as I hate to say this, (i really do)

I have to face this reality, sooner or later. Even right now, I wish I don't write these words out because it would further determine or agree that this is reality. The reality that I don't want to face. 

It's not all talks and dreams and fantasies anymore.

I always wanted to believe that there is something more than this. From the blogs I read and follow, from the shows I watched and stories I listened. But I'm always the audience and never the performer. Yes, I'm that normal. I wonder would I mean anything to anyone when I leave this world? Would I have at least made a difference in someones life? Could I chase after my vague dreams. Be the one to just dare to do it because honestly sometimes I don't feel anything. Because I don't really care about it. It doesn't affect me. By saying this I'm also contradicting myself, how can a person who does not feel anything can be bothered or emotionally disturbed by some other petty insignificant matters?

Perhaps I'm emotionally unstable. Perhaps I'm deprived of a certain emotion that my ego craves for.

To feel like I have nothing to offer. Nothing interesting. I'm just made out of matter in this universe.


So what am I going to do about it?

When I was younger, it feels like there is another adventure to begin after primary school and i would keep hoping because after secondary school, college seems like another exciting adventure. But at times, i feel like this.. grey.

The sky so blue, orange and yellow. But I really feel like it's grey all over.

I really want to see colours again. To see red and feel the passion. To see orange and feel the vibrancy. To see yellow and feel it's dominance. To see green and feel the calm. To see blue to feel it's coolness.

I am at lost with what I want. Who I want to be. What I like, What I dislike. What I'm interested.


help...