It's not good

Hey,

My holidays are ending soon and as much as I would love to keep staying at home I have to go back one way or another. Going back tomorrow, college is starting on Monday. 

Stressed out yesterday, so I slacked. Today at least was something but started to stress out in the evening which is right now. This stressed out thing is really killing me and I'm finding a hard time to overcome it. It's easy for one to say take it easy and really take it easy. Me, I have to... I don't know, force myself to take it easy, or reason myself into taking it easy. The tiring part is that it is a constant thing and I can't use the same method all the time. It's like trying to trick yourself but you know that you are doing it. Make sense?

What I'm trying to handle is this perfectionism attitude that I have. Which seems to be getting worse. I always thought it wasn't such a bad thing, like if you have it, it's not a bad thing and good things can come out of it. Yes, partially true. I researched this morning about perfectionism and I had no idea that it has such an evil side to it. YES, EVIL~ 

If uncontrolled, it can lead to depression, increase chances of death, decrease level of productivity, become very pessimistic, procrastinate a lot, become very unhappy because nothing can satisfy you. Relationships won't work because he or she have cooked up some high level of expectation in the relationship. Friendships go down, quality of your work goes down...everything becomes very rigid, aren't willing to try something new and the list just goes on and on and on..

I recognised many things that I have read, it's like reading how I feel. Not to that extreme level but yeah. It doesn't really hurt but at least I realised what it is doing to me. Scary as it is, I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. Because honestly it is tough. All those questioning myself, trying to tell myself it is okay etc all came from perfectionism. Everyone has them at one point but just how much or to what level it is. Although I have been trying to get myself out of this thing for the past year I now realised that one of the source is from perfectionism. 

It's a struggle, it's really discomforting, sometimes I feel like I'm nuts trying to mentally convince myself that it is okay. Oh, with perfectionism the person is said to have low self esteem and confidence level and is always comparing themselves to others. He or she does not think that they are capable, popular, attractive than their fellow peers. 

Some of you may not realise this but it is true. I am telling you because I am going through it. The word chillax, relax, take it easy is one of the hardest word to achieve in my book. 

To perfectionist, there is only one way of doing things (explains a lot -_-) either right way or wrong way. There is no in between or alternative ways. Which causes extreme procrastination because the person would spend ages trying to find that one way if not they won't be able to start. 

This is a pain in the butt. =/

It makes it hard for me to ask for help, or to even make mistakes. Double =/ 

I really really really don't want to spend my life like this, not being able to fully enjoy all that is great in this world because all I do is worry, stress out, setting a standard that sometimes it too much. 

I hope one day I would read this and say "I've made it, I'm practicing how to be less of a perfectionist and life is a lot better now". I don't wish to look back and read and say,"It's not working".

thanks.


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