Was looking back at my older post. The ones that were written before entering in MIA. It's really great to read them. To see how expressive I was about the things around me. Like "I don't freaking care who reads them!"

I really want those back. But things changed, situation changed, I changed. Thats the reality. 

I guess it's true when people say you learn a lot about yourself when you are in college. I think I'm learning a lot though if you were to ask me what I learnt about myself, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you in words. Does that mean I learnt nothing about myself? Nah, maybe it means I'm less vocal about it.

But true enough I think I've grown much more over the last year, okay not only mentally but physically too. LOL I remember thinking and saying that I've found the place where I felt like I belong. Over the past semesters, those feeling start to deplete, little by little. The way dripping water would slowly mold stones. I thought it was because I started getting used to the "system of the school" Maybe it's true, because you always get excited with new things. 

I was searching for something. I still am searching. Searching for a place that really makes me feel comfortable with my own, searching for the answer to it. I am always one step short, whether it's because I couldn't do it, forgot about the application of it...whatever it is. What ever I envisioned myself to do...I'm always one step short. Frustrating because I expected myself to do something about it. 


I feel like :

I lost the feeling of what kept me happy.

I lost the feeling of what I think I am capable of.

I lost the feeling that I know there is something and I haven't been able to do it yet.

am I loosing my passion? Loosing something I just like doing just because I have to survive. The unwritten rule says so. The system tells us to do so if not it might as well be death.

What if following the system for a while longer makes me become part of the system. 

All I have are foggy dreams. Unclear of what is the future, what am I to become, which path to take.  I have foggy dreams and a fantasy of who I want to become. 

maybe switching on the light could help brighten things up and help me see things a little bit clearer =)

with love,