I saw someone wearing the shirt that wrote (read blog title). I like it. haha
Who would have thought the feelings I experienced 4 to 5 years ago would actually repeat itself. A few times those feelings have occurred~
I don't know how to describe those feelings in words. By describing meaning that I would have to tell the story. That is not what I want to do. I just want to share my emotions and feelings without the need to tell people exactly what happened. =) I guess thats my way of keeping it discreet because this is a blog. To share but within limits. It's the net, it can be a dangerous place.
Lets just say I already knew it. Knew what was going to happened, my instincts told me it was a bad idea. But I had to go through it because at that time and moment I didn't think of a way to get myself out of it. Thats because one part of me tells me one thing and the other part tells me otherwise. In the end? My instincts were right... and because I chose to hope, I had to bear with the consequences.
My mistake was I chose to hope with expectations.
But in the end there was a battle of emotions. Deciding what I am going to do about it. I think I almost got it right but I kind of screwed up the direction I was going. I rebounded for a moment and then came back. Which was reflected with my very very weird behavior.
Human nature, I'm beginning to see the really nasty side of it. Haha. We're all animals. I'm still having a hard time accepting the facts about human nature. Because I would like to believe that we are all not like that. I still want to think that the world is not like that. There could be nothing worst. I know, I've yet to seen worse.
I guess what happened made me suddenly feel so alone in this world. Not alone like "boohoo" there isn't anyone around me. But alone in the sense that no matter how hard you try, no matter how comfortable you feel, no matter how happy you are you will still be alone. The only reason why people feel happy by not trying so hard or not caring so much is because by doing so, they avoid themselves from getting hurt or having to realise that feeling. That is only my opinion. It might change in due course. But yeah, it's avoided by being selfish in some ways, by distancing oneself, by not trying etc.
I'm still going to go through with it, I have to believe in the greater mission. I like helping out with stuff like that. I never even thought about backing out. I also didn't think or realise what was going to happen after that or what I might feel. I have to know that there is a bigger world beyond this place. Just like high school, there is a bigger world apart from high school. College is not the end, there is a bigger world. I'm just in a lake or a sea...I've yet to discover the ocean. I just have to be prepared that in the end, others will take credit for the effort you put in. I have to be old and wise about it.
"I was writing and then I got interrupted. I feel like my privacy got violated you know. Like someone broke into my safety bubble and that safety bubble of mine is something I really treasure. Not anyone can know about it. I nearly wanted to scream or cry or get angry. I kinda did get angry but I cooled off, what I did was I just tore of the pages from my book and tear it into pieces. Every piece I tore, I felt a strain in my chest. I wanted to tear those papers into the tiniest bit possible. I wanted to get rid of the proof of my emotion. "
After that, I didn't know whether to continue feeling that way. But I thought, I don't want to be the one that always have to be pitied upon. I won't let myself feel that way again.
I will not let myself show such emotion or weakness. I will not let myself feel such way. I will fight it. I will get rid of these emotions. This is just a transition period to another level.
Yup. So don't give up just yet. To anyone and everyone. Don't give up just yet. =)
if you read whatever I wrote; thanks =) I appreciated your time spent on reading this post if not =) it's totally fine. I don't expect anyone to fully read this anyway.
Have a good night :)