ramblings

What if we have the chance to be 17 again. Just like the movie. Would you go back to being 17 years old again? Going back to the final year of high school, going through SPM again.

Not really a bad idea huh? Compare my study life now and in high school. Such a big difference. I don't think I have put so much effort in my work before. haha. Now I'm still kinda lazy at times but much more hardworking now than last time. ;)

In school last time I felt like I didn't give my all. Maybe its because you know you would still move forward to the next year no matter what. Everything is spoon fed. Life is much more relax.

Would I go back to my high school years??

I'm not really sure. I don't really want to. I like how my life is now. At times yeah, I feel and think "what the hell am I doing? or why am I doing this?" But right now, I feel good and satisfied. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I would think that this is really not worth it or something like that. Lets hope not.

Even though, at times I feel like going back to high school to do things a little more different. Maybe making myself happy more, learn to defend myself better. Maybe then, my life would be a little different. But then, thinking about it, those things..if they didn't happened then I wouldn't be the person I am today. Yes,I feel as though sometimes I can be a little boring, not very talkative or as spontaneous. But popularity isn't the main goal now is it?

It's about forming ourselves to be the best we can be. Doesn't matter if we have to be alone sometimes. Doesn't matter if you have your own way of thinking which sometimes you don't voice out because all others around you have different thinking compared to yours. This is where we have to learn to accept that somethings are just not meant to be.

I get angry sometimes, feeling the trauma I had in high school, angry that this had to happen to me. Angry that I have to feel that way. Angry at the effect is has upon me. It's always easy to forgive but it is never easy to forget. That is one thing I have trouble with, to forget. But in a way, I'm kinda glad that it happen then and not now. A learning process, it makes me (hopefully) understand myself better.

I think I won't choose to be 17 again. Thinking about the present rather than the past makes me feel I'm progressing.

Since form 5, after I realised how things was or what had happened...and after starting college. I realise the things we used to care so much about or think that it has great importance isn't necessarily useful. Nobody really gives a damn about whether I was a prefect hold any big post in any societies. I think all those just form a quality in ourselves. They become a part of our behaviour or how we think or handle situations. All those are experiences.

People may disagree with me for saying this, but in my school, us being prefects? I wouldn't want to say it is not really significant. The whole idea of it is totally misunderstood by the majority of teachers, students and the prefect themselves. I don't want to dwell in it further. I would like to elaborate but honestly, I feel like my whole room is spinning. haha I need to get some rest.

probably another day then I'll continue this topic.

bye!