I'm afraid I'll put an end to it and things won't be so pretty anymore.
getting sick of these.
getting tired of it.
it ain't funny honey...
many times, thoughts run through my mind. Thoughts about everything. Things I don't speak out does not mean it's not in my mind. Wondering whether other people think about the things I thought about.
I don't say much.
One day, will I explode?
One day, will I turn into someone unimaginable?
One day, will I be someone who I thought I would never be or someone I would never want to be?
questions, questions and more questions.
People whispering here and there. You are always there. You want to know. You know you won't know. Nobody bothers. Nobody cares.
So should you bother? should you care?
I just ignore. By wanting to know, by asking...it might seem desperate. But then..do I really care?
I may not care. Sometimes I don't give a shit so what are you going to do about it? But I can't always act that way, I may seem cold. But I don't think I am. People just don't get it.
others may care..but care in what sense? I may not seem to care about I care a lot about other things.
others may care but they don't care about a lot of things.
It's all so confusing. I wish someone can just tell me. Just like a yes - no question or a right - wrong answer. Things would be so much more simpler!!!
Am I always picking up after people? I tend to feel that I do.I take it seriously about the things that I think it's important. I feel selfish...I feel ppl think that I'm selfish.. you may think I'm writing all these bullshit..sounds fake yada yada. Oh well..
But it's not my intention to come of like that.
I don't know what to think now. I just feel disorientated... Everyday is becoming less of a struggle and a battle. But at times...my will just tumbles and it comes back. I have to make myself go against it. That is living. Living is tough.
you can ignore all these. just one of those days you know? =)
xoxo
Comments
To gain that social status we have to give up something. But that contradicts our egoistic self which only want to receive. We then see that the only way we are willing to give up something is when the nett value of the result is positive.
We observe also in life that the materialistic, physical part is deemed as good and worth obtaining. This includes being nice to everyone, good lifestyle, everything.
If you realize, we often find ourselves thinking "why should i care about what ppl say or think?" you would just rather be left alone and not be bothered. indeed our ego do care about such petty material things, it wants all that and wants to be left alone as well.
So scrutinize your inner self a little. Why do I feel hurt, unhappy, angry at a particular situation, maybe because we're not getting something out of it. How do we avoid feeling hurt/angry/unhappy all the time? There is an answer, but only in time will it be revealed to you.
Meanwhile, know that all the difficult feelings you are experiencing is part of your ego suffering from lack of receiving what it wants. Draw strength from knowing this things about your ego and try to manage it. The ego is a very intelligent and has many tricks. Often you'll find yourself being tricked by it again and again.
You may ask why are you made to suffer so much, and others not. Maybe they're but we don't know as we're not them (this already is evidence of our egoistic nature when we can only feel ourselves but not others). Maybe it is not their time yet. Know that you're special in that you can feel the nuances of your actual nature while others continue to live their lives without freewill, submitting to the ego as a beast do. We see that beasts lack freewill and act according to nature. WE are the same until we realize otherwise, just as what you are feeling right now.