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Thursday, 7 May 2009

why can't you think wenn??

19 yrs old and you can't think! whats wrong with you...

fine, i admit that i did not think properly...the thing is..i never thought of how it would affect me..

but seriously....don't bring up about the past saying that i always like to mix around with friends and socialize.

no one i know is going to this thing. i'm there alone...don't you get it? none of my friends i asked are going.

i'm so confused. am i really like that? is that why i want to go to that thing... should i go? should i stand up for what i really want.

this kind of thing is what i am always scared of.

to really believe that i am actually like that. feel like such a disappointment. i don't want to believe that. i really wonder...why can't i think for myself? for my own well being.

to my own personal understanding is that i want to support, to see and gain new experience. you are right..i didn't appreciate the time i have on my hands. it sucks to hear you bringing up what i complaint last time. i am also getting sick and tired of it because it seems that the same topic always come up OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

i feel like if this were to happen again i'm going to speak up and i scared it will be ugly. i was so close to saying something. i thought i could talk to the other party..i wanted to say so many things even though you agreed with what was said to me. but you said something which made me stop and quit. since you think that way why should i bother explaining myself?

i admit..i don't use my time well enough...

thats why i hate complaining to them. i hate it alot! to think that whenever i screw up...it will be used against me.

i really don't want to be mad..and angry..because i want to appreciate the time left. i don't want to think back and say "i shouldn't have gotten angry or i shouldn't have done that" but me at this age...where the so called usual thing is to rebel and get mad. i'm torn between these two roles...

thats why i don't say back or talk back.

i'm afraid whatever was said to me its true...and when i grow up and face the outside world..i can't handle myself. i can't protect myself. and i hate that. i don't want that to happen.

hearing what was said to me made me compare with my siblings. how they can take care of themselves and not make them feel disappointed and such. but with me... am i such a disappointment? yes i know, i'm told everytime that i'm not.

okay, i'm not...but i hate hurting feelings. i hate that you have to feel or think why am i not able to do that. why am i not able to think. why am i not able to take care of myself.

trying to figure out something..trying to make something good come out of it

to think that i might be independant...although yes, i am not very streetwise..but that comes with experience. but independant? able to think for myself?

i'm really not sure anymore...shitt


don't worry. i'm fine..have been fine and will always be fine. i love fly fm. they are funny.

i wanted to call people to talk but who do i call? and by bothering them with such petty matter...might as well just vent it out in a blog....atleast if people say anything you can just choose not to elaborate.

at least there is music and other stuff to somewhat cheer things up.
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