I'm still searching

It's already Christmas Eve. =)

Christmas is tomorrow.

Was really tired. So I slept and I woke up. I finished watching season 2 of Honey and Clover. It's already 3.30 a.m and here I am thinking.

Something is troubling me. Sometimes I really don't understand myself. I don't know why I feel these emotions. To wonder what am I doing here. To not know what lies ahead of me.

I think what contributed to my sudden flood of emotions is because of Honey and Clover. haha.

But right now, in my room, alone, with the music on..just suddenly I feel distant. I wonder, what am I going to do with my life. I'm scared to feel all of these feelings. The fear. Usually as the day goes by, we'll try to keep ourselves busy. Either we work,study or play...those are things that keep us busy and our minds occupied. But suddenly, moments like this will come and out of a sudden I'll get the feel of sudden loneliness.

I am alone.

I actually don't know what to do about it. There is something I must do to solve this mystery. When I'm alone, when everything is quiet around me..I start to think about the past, the future, what I've heard...everything. I start to fear. What am I without all of these? I get scared. I start to get claustrophobic. I find it hard to breathe. I just want to cry. I just want to find someone to comfort me to say that it's nothing. It's okay. But the truth is, it is not. I am forever going to have these feelings unless I figure out an ultimate solution.

What is it like to go on sleeping forever?

What is it like to go on staying awake forever?

The mystery of life, every person that is awake will eventually fall asleep.

that's the truth. But can we handle it? More importantly, can I handle it?

What am I to do? I love it when I feel inspired and deep. To get an overwhelming emotion over something. But sometimes I wonder, what if what I'm feeling isn't real. Maybe it is just me wanting to feel that way? I just feel that way but I don't fully understand it, but someone else does but they don't get that overwhelming feeling.

I'm getting dizzy. As I'm typing this, I feel like I'm swirling...falling down but not yet reaching the ground. The room around me is standing still but I feel as though the bed is floating at sea.

What am I feeling?

I want to paint. I want to draw out my emotions. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing so or if I have the skills to do so. What if I were to paint and draw my whole life..as in to paint...not in interior design. Am I going to survive? Can I go through with it? to live...only to paint.

I just want to pour out my emotions on something. By doing something but I don't know how.

I feel inspired but my will isn't strong enough. I'm also afraid because I fear that others might think that it is a joke. Like if I were to paint something, people may judge and say that it is immature or not right. I know I shouldn't care, after all I'm just painting for what I feel like doing. It is just a hobby.

This is not because of Honey and Clover.

It's me. my life.

I am still searching.