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Saturday, 8 November 2008

confessions

The year is coming to an end. Soon it will be a new year. A new start, a new everything.
I'm not updating for the sake of updating. I need to clear my mind and the emotions I feel within me. Self reflection.



I'm at an emotional blur right now. I take things a little too seriously I admit. I am learning how to take it easy. To let loose...To just let it all come naturally. I need to find that ultimate balance. My friend said that I have change. My attitude has change. I kinda realise that too. Now, I'm asking myself why the sudden change. I'm trying to relax and not think so much and yet I've turn more serious? Something is wrong isn't it?



for those who are visiting my blog, if you don't like reading loads of words you can skip this part.. its going to be a long one...



Here's my reason and somewhat confession.



The mid-term assessment has somewhat hit me on the head with a big bang... hard work do pay off. I want my college years to be the best years of my life and yet be good at what I do. Going to an art college was my decision. In a way I feel as though I have a point to prove...I'm not sure to who but I think basically I want to prove a point to myself. Proving that this is my forte and this is where I am meant to be. Because this is what I want therefore I must show that I am hella good at it.



I promised not to slack after the mid-term assessment. To do as much as I can and not wait till the last minute. Well, it wasn't really last minute but I didn't exactly rush to finish it while I can. So now I am kinda constantly reminding myself not to make the same mistake. I am not perfect...I still slack, like today for instance. I am not strong enough to resist the television or Internet. So right now, yes I am a little more serious, I don't go for breaks as often as I did before the 3 week break. But at the same time I still want to have fun and be crazy with my friends. I don't want to be a spoil sport and I really hope my friends could understand and not misunderstand me. Of course I still join in the fun...life would suck if all I do is just work.




So sometimes I get a little insecure. Worried about my work. I know I put all my heart into my work. I know everyone of us put our heart into our work. That is what we call passion right? I want to present the best of me. When I get insecure is usually like "am I a good person?", "do my friends enjoy being with me?", "am I a bad student?" things like that.



I miss being with my family. I miss going out with my mum just because I have the time to do so. My dream is to be great. It's a big dream, but I'm taking small steps. I want to at least have tried to achieve my dream rather than dreaming but not doing anything about it.



Here's the part where I don't know how to continue typing. So many things going through my mind. So many emotions I want to write about. So many things that I want to get it off my chest. But I have to constraint myself. Pull myself back a lil to see things in different perspective.



My social life is also making me going crazy. I am a little confused.



Sometimes I feel so tired I just want to stop. To quit just like that. To not care. To not think. Sometimes I feel so stressed out I just want to quit and disappear. Its like I want to cry but I can't. Something is aching to get out but it just won't go away. But then suddenly when something goes well, I feel a sudden relief. I suddenly realised that I am the one that has been inflicting this poisonous pain on myself. I am the one who did this to myself.



haha okay. I think that's about it lar...I am starting to make no sense.


next update would be a happier one. haha hopefully something really fun and exciting.


muacks!
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