this is going to be emo

I bake a butter cake today yesterday.

I think it was a good try...it turn out really moist and tasty. I didn't bake it from scratch. It's the pre-mix thingy.. ya ya..I know its SUPER easy using the pre-mix cake thing. >.<" but still need some skills okay?? The last time I tried baking brownies...it turn out quite badly =(

Well now my choco butter cake is a success! muahahaha [ i added chocolate chips and chocolate sauce] Probably now I can move on to tougher baking recipes. Instead of relying on pre-mix.

before you continue reading, let me warn you that this is going to be one of those emo, confusing and 'I don't know what she just type' kind of post. But if you don't mind and not bothered about one bit then please be my guess and do read on.

I've been feeling really happy these few days. I think I know why but then again I could be wrong. But I'm afraid this happy feeling I have in me is starting to fade. I'm still feeling happy but I got this slight feeling that it is going to fade. Well life isn't all about sunshine right? Its about the rain, the wind, the moon and everything that goes in between.

I'm happy yet having mix emotions about a lot of things now. What people see is a smiley girl who tends to talk a tad too much and seems to be happy a lot. * that is what some said * I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Yeah I know I smile a lot. Don't know why either. Teachers even told my parents before saying that I seem to be like a happy person, a person who doesn't seem to have stress. @.@

YEAHHH RIGHT! you should hear what my mum would say...doesn't seem to stress??? so hard to believe. *laughs*

its true,I stress out a lot and I can have terrible mood swings...My mood swings are like...one minute its raining and then suddenly the sun comes out. Just a blink of an eye the sky will turn dark. * are you freaked out now?* well don't be. I won't suddenly turn into a vampire and start sucking people's blood and turn them into me. [o.O] that would be very frightening indeed.

I think I start to feel alone again. I start to feel disappointed like uncapable of doing something great that makes me feel good as a person. Something that will make me go ''finally, I know I have done something really right and I am not afraid to be proud of it''. But then again, another thought comes into mind. I thought about this hours ago. If we could keep every memory that was ever created and safe keep it into a file..We would realise that no matter who, all of us have come a long way and achieved so much more than we ever thought we would. Imagine, you got a terrible accident. You were hurt badly...but slowly you will recover, it is painful at first...there's a phobia but then it gets easier and easier until it is totally wipe off from your memory. Your scars heal. That is because we see and distract ourselves with different things everyday. A new memory would start to overlap that "wound".

Sometimes I feel that I know myself so well and at times I haven't got a clue.Its frustrating. People think its easy to judge me. Assume what kind of person I am...I may be all that you say...But do you really know? I am much much more than that. * no I don't posses some wizardry powers like Harry Potter*

I'm sure everyone feels the same. Or atleast most of the people. They don't reveal themselves 100%. Is it a natural human defence? Is that why so many divorces are happening? Is that why a lot of relationship doesn't last as long? or is it all of these are happening because we reveal too much of ourselves? We're being too open about everything. How will we know if we have "revealed too much" of ourselves or "we're being too private"? The answer to that would be to take chances I suppose. Like flying a kite. If we don't let go some string how would we know if its going to fly higher?

I've been feeling happy like bubbly happy. It feels kind of good to be carefree and not worry about anything. But now...things are starting to weigh me down. Everyone is going back to their lifestyle now and I started thinking deep again.

My loneliness has found its way back to my heart and soul after a long lost journey. It scares me.

I yearn for a feeling that was long gone. I yearn for it and yet...I'm afraid of it. Afraid to accept it. Afraid to embrace. Most of all I'm afraid that I will do things that pushes it further away from me. I find it hard to type out the words that are forming in my head. Its hard to translate my emotions into simple english. Everytime I try to get in touch with my inner emotion, my heart beats twice as fast but my actions become twice as slow..

I'm going to stop here.

I am who I am. I can only be me and never be you. I am what I say. I say like how I am. I am not a fake. I am just being me.

don't confused yourself by wondering how am I as a person really. You'll just wonder and will never get the answer. That's because the person you have been talking to all the time is me. It has been and will always be me. I just need this 'confessions of my inner feeling' moments to some what cleanse or clear myself. I don't want to bottle up all this confusion and be miserable.

A friend once said;

Everyday is a good day.

it definitly got me thinking... thinking how true those words are. Everyday IS a good day. Just a simple thought like that can actually make things so much better. The catch is you have to believe in it.

with love,