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Friday, 4 July 2008

getting deep

I woke up at 9 am, got off the bed by 9.45 am. I was down by 10.15 am. Made and drank Milo and was quite ready to go for my piano class and then suddenly...
I don't feel so well. =( My tummy started feeling funny and uncomfortable...
I don't know why this usually happens after drinking Milo. Especially when I drink my Milo really really fast. Dad and bro asked me to stay at home cuz if I go, I would have to stay at the shop till night. So I called my teacher and said I couldn't go etc etc...so right now I'm in my room, resting.
I was all packed and ready to go...I need to run some errands today too. =(
I was wearing this skirt I bought from Hong Kong, which I've only worn it out once! That time I wore it for my piano class as well but on the way there my teacher called saying that she forgot to cancel the class... -__-" if a 3rd time, something like that happens while I was wearing that skirt..I might just believe that the skirt is JINXED!
anyway,
I guess it gives me the chance to finish painting and also practice more...?
gosh, I've got work tomorrow... ='(
I don't feel like going. I don't want to wake up so freaking early and I don't want her to ask me if I've registered. But then again..I shouldn't really bother...What matters is what I'm going to do about it. As long as I know what I should do and prioritise.. It should be good enough right?
gosh,
can you believe that is ALREADY July? Time really flies, in about less than 3 weeks I would be in another environment. In about less than 4 months, our juniors by one year will be sitting for SPM. Can you remember what were we like at this time last year? I think I was getting stress out and yet not doing much about it.. I still didn't get physics and I was even more blur about chemistry. -_-'' I only 'got' chemistry in August.
I kind of miss those times. I miss those times with my classmates..friends.
What I don't miss is the horrible moments/situations that I went through.
It is way too traumatizing memorable for me. Sometimes when I think about it, like how should I have reacted or if I had too see her and had to talk to her how would it be?
At times I still feel scared and angered about it. I learn to accept...I have not really forgive and I definitely have not forget. I can't forgive cuz she didn't even apologise.
I'm not even trying to think what is it like from her point of view cuz I'm too hurt to even care about what she thinks. I feel like a part of me is already kinda messed up in a way. My parents are not happy about it..but now I don't think they think about it unless they cross paths with my school. My dad told me to wish her the best of luck. I do. But I guess they don't know how I feel about it at times.
I wonder if this feeling is somewhat familiar to what a rape/molest victim feels. Or how I/people feel about death. Like that incident is forever imprinted into your mind and when you just space out for a moment it comes and haunts you. You have to snap out of it fast if not you'll just stay there and start thinking and thinking and thinking....might even slip into the depression mode.
There are things that happen...nobody knows. Things that happen that I feel disturbed by it. Things that happen, my parents didn't know. Not even my closest friend knows. I think I told one person. But that was a really stupid thing to do.
A saying goes," the truth shall set you free". But what if I can't tell the whole truth...I can't accept the truth...semi accept but just can't bring myself to tell...Shall I never be free?
I'm just gonna leave it hanging there. Because I don't even know how to answer or continue.
with love
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