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Monday, 4 February 2008

self healing process in progress

BAMMMM!!!!

another situation slap at my face. All the words used had no mercy and just went to my face and into my heart. It was hard and cold...it hit me and it took me instantly to realised what I have done, what I was. I am not bad. I am not evil. I was just unfocused, undisciplined and irresponsible. The fact that I was a prefect for the past 8 out of 11 years of school, it made me hate myself even more. It has been a few days now. I don't talk to anyone about it. I don't see the point, by telling people I am only going to make myself more available to judgment. I find it so hard now to even tell my loved ones what I think, my opinions and what are the latest happenings with the people around me. Its a pity I do not have a sibling that is the same age group to spill. My brothers are too far away and the age gap is just too wide. When they get mad at me they would use all those things that I have told against me, as a reason to judge me. They claimed they understand me more but at times I don't think they understand me at all. If they understood me, why when I say something they could misinterpret it as something totally opposite. Who do I go to??? I can't go to my friends, its not their burden to carry or to even know. My brothers? They are adults and these little teenage woes are their past. My parents? They are the reason why I am saying all these. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and I would not want to change them for anything in the world or this universe. To me, I would rather hurt myself than to see them get hurt/sad/disappointed. They mean that much to me..

Am I still at the vulnerable age? I have always "feared" death because I do not know what will happen after death. At this time....these past few days have been hard. REAL hard. I am learning to get through it. This time I can't believe it became an option even though I fear it. I want to feel the physical pain to cover my emotional pain. I can never redeemed myself to my parents. What ever I do or how hard I try I can't remove the pain that I caused them. I can never be like my brothers. No matter how hard I wish or tried, I can't seem to achieve it. My brothers set the bar too high. Maybe I did not try as hard as I am capable of, that is what made my parents so mad at me. I am constantly comparing myself with my brothers because I know they made our parents proud and I just want to make them as proud of me as they are of my brothers. But I am so undisciplined....because of that I am so unfocused. My parents never compare me to others. But this time they did and boy did it hurt. They mentioned my brothers and well my heart just shattered right there.

I know they still care and love me. But I can't forgive myself. What I'm writing here is not to bad mouth them...but to say how ashamed I feel about myself. I want to change, change to someone better. Someone who knows her priorities and what is right and wrong. I want to be a daughter who's parents can be proud of. I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel like someone worth living. It is damn freaking hard I can say. Every day I feel like crying. I think about it every single day just to remind me of what I have done and what I have to do. This lesson learnt is what I need. No one can help me but myself.


When life gives you rocks, it is up to you whether to build a bridge or a wall.


well, I am going to try to build that bridge.



violetcraze
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