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Sunday, 9 December 2007

everything is different

Sometimes it feels as though everything around you has changed but actually the fact is that everything is exactly the way they are. It is ourselves that has gone through changes. That is why we grow and learn. Yes, I do miss school. I miss it very much in fact. Everyone is being jolly happy and fun on the surface. Me too in fact...but I have focused too much on trying to be happy that I forgot about my real feelings. Everyone sounds so hypocritical...or actually being hypocritical. That is just my opinion.

here's a story:

There is this girl who has a crush on a boy. But she brushed off her feelings towards this boy because she feels that it isn't real. But as time passed by she kind of realised that this feelings of hers for this boy might actually be real. So she feels lost. This boy and her are friends. They belong to the same group of friends. The taunts and teasing's from this boy somehow is affecting this girl's feelings for her girl friends. She kind of suspects something but she didn't want to appear paranoid. So she goes on acting like normal. But inside her heart she keeps asking herself, whether should she just come out and confessed her true feelings? or should she just let it pass...until her new life begins and let things slowly fade. Is she willing to risk this friendship of hers?

end

Well everyone is writing and talking about how great SPM is over and stuff. I think well yes, it is fun. But I don't fell ecstatic about it. Everything is changing. Well I should actually say I'm changing. Everyone is going to go on with their life. Different paths. Am I prepared for that? I know that eventually when the time comes I will go through it. But right now I feel so insecure. My future is a blank picture waiting to be painted. Its a blank mind waiting to be filled with memories.

I have been going out for these past few days. Laughing,joking,playing...getting ready for prom and stuff and FYI i'm still not ready. But the moment I stayed at home and just to be lazy I just can't help but think. Suddenly everything is a blur. True emotions started appearing. The feeling is just so raw that trying to laugh it out won't surpass it. I think and I feel what I think. Its kind of weird because well due to my age my decision making is probably 80% influenced by peer pressure. I think that applies to everyone of us. I start to feel afraid because when I think maturely without considering what other people might think of me, suddenly I would ask myself, am i the weird one here?

I hate to be the outcast. Seriously, I feel very alone most of the time when I'm with my friends. Sometimes jealousy hits me. It sounds lame and childish. But its true. I have been with most of my classmates for 5 whole years and some other people just join recently who are my friends as well becomes closer to my original classmates that me. I feel so selfish, jealous and yet so sad and alone. I have been feeling quite alone my whole life. I have even asked my dad about and when I did i broke down. This thing is my breaking point. I don't want to be alone but yet that is how i am. I can endure it but sometimes i just wish to break out of this spell.

Having a long holiday really makes a person think. Well at least it has helped me think. I am not sure what good will it do.

Most people blog in a way is to tell people what is going on with them. Like what is the latest this and thats. Well, at first i thought so too and yes i blogged in that way. But now to me, blogging is a way for me to express myself.

Well lets put aside of all those and here's the latest updates about me. I found my prom dress. Accessories are still unknown..I'm spending quality time with my mum tomorrow and on monday. I can't wait actually. And I'll be going to Genting with my friends. I do not dare to anticipate great things. I am just hoping for a good time. Lets hope I won't be disappointed. =)

I love to be loved and I love to love.
xoxo,
violetcraze

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