everything happens for a reason. Even though the reason is unknown to man. That is life. That is why there is life. There is good and there is bad. There are some things that we can't control.

what is a feeling, a feeling of infatuation. Can the infatuation be love without being lovers? How can we tell if the infatuation is the beginning of love? I want to know the truth...What is this feeling? Why this feeling? I've denied my feelings but my feelings can't ignore me..it is there...nudging at every chance...seeking opportunity to jump at me and to slap me at the face and say "why are you doing this to yourself?"

I don't have the qualities i wish to have. Maybe i have a different set of qualities, different traits...that is a good thing isn't it? I have a good heart...But i wish you could see it. I want to be so much more but can't you see that I'm restricted by my own rope? I can't be open to all around me and to share my sorrows and inner most emotions that will strip me bare and vanquish the shield that i have been holding on dearly.But i can allow people to be open to me...I will embrace them...I will allow them to share and I share the burden of your sorrows just so you have less to carry. I cry. people do see me cry. But what people don't see is the tears of my heart. I am generally happy...I understand. but I wish i didn't understand. I somehow know but i wish I didn't. You want another...but don't you know? There is one that is wanting you...

why can't you see? Are you so blind? or do you know..Because i think you know. But you are avoiding it..You don't want it because I am not what you want. I'm trying to see it as YOUR loss and my gain. But you doing this makes me feel that I only have an ugly side. Without you knowing...YOU of all people and of all reasons is stripping me bare to my shivering skin...exposing my weaknesses...dissolving my confidence, self esteem and my qualities that i need to be me...That is my one and only possession... after all I've been through..I have finally appear into the light and start over again. I have a past and I intend to make that my guide to the future. But why is it that I have led myself into the similar dark corner...totally different in so many ways but same situation.

All I can do is be happy and not think about it. If it is meant to be then fate will let me know. I shall look for the light that shines the way to freedom. I shall do my best to end this and create a new path. I shall find my calling...have a future but my past is my base...Have faith. Look up and face the world with your head held high cause that is the only way to survive and to become a survivor.

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