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Wednesday, 30 May 2007

headache...

i woke up like 11 plus today.
felt so bored..
felt so tired..
because of that i felt miserable..
had to do chores which added to the misery i felt...
watched tv..all the boring chanels. 'service is currently unavailable' kept popping up...so maddening..
felt like a couch potato..acted like a couch potato
ugh, just so crappy man..
started doing my chores at about 5pm??? wanted to go for a jog but ended up in front of the computer.. i am totally addicted to it now...sigh

mum came home early today...i took the mail and saw a letter from Singapore. My heart skipped a beat.. i can hear it beating..was it excitement? anxiety? i don't know...just open the damn letter!!! i didn't wait to go in and open the letter. Mum was there too. She's nervous. I can tell. I open the letter..it was short but clear...i skipped the begining and went straight to the point..i read it..and re read again..my heart dropped..the beating slowed down.

I didn't get it. I was not qualified enough..damn...my mum said an assuring word..i gave a smile and went into the house. Now the freakin' letter is next to me under the my phone. I acted okay...I looked okay..I say i'm okay..but I AM NOT OKAY...i can't just brush it off...i wanted to cry. But no tears would come...I want to scream but i don't have the privacy to do so..I'm just so sad..devastated.. I felt, thought and knew that there was a big chance that I would not get it. But yet I put on a high hope that there might be a slight possibility that i might get in. After all, i really wanted to study there... I kept a cool head and acted like this is a small matter and that it would not affect me in any way. OH but how wrong was i...I'm deeply affected now..

I want to express how i feel but i now what they will say and i don't want to listen to all those crap. I just want someone to listen and to reassure me. I don't know who to go to...i don't know how to start...i just want to let it all out...the letter has been on my mind since i opened it. I cant get it out of my head..and it is giving me a headache..everything is just so damn crappy now...i really want to cursed,shout,scream,kick...whatever to let out my frustration..i feel so pathetic and lame...ugh..i feel so darn useless...

thats it...i'm done moaping...i hate to feel sad and depressed..i have got to do something..i'm not just going to sit here and wait for a miracle to happen..Everything happens for a reason..I'm done being the way i'm acting. I'm done feeling that something should be done when i'm not doing anything. I'm done feeling envious of the things people are doing which I am capable of doing as well, the only difference is that they are working their ass off but i'm not. I'm sick of that attitude of mine! just sick of it! I'm going to change.. Thats a promise not to anyone but myself.

I'm done now..

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